Falling in love with Temperance Brennan
Every week, we watch the newest episode of the Fox drama, "Bones" -- and some weeks, we also watch re-runs of shows we missed before discovering this remarkable program.
For my aspie wife and I there is more to the show than meets the typical viewer's eye. While most people see the almost ever present sexual tension between the main characters, Temperance ("Bones") Brennan and Seeley Booth as a subplot for the show, the relationship between a woman with Asperger Syndrome and her neurotypical partner often hits home for me in other, more startling ways.
I've often joked that I "fell in love with Temperance Brennan -- or someone very much like her." Truth is, my sweetheart's resemblance to the famous forensic anthropologist begins and ends with the distinctive Asperger traits that make both Bones and my wife such fascinating people. As I've learned more about the condition, I can understand what must be the emotional roller coaster within the sentimental, somewhat religious Booth.
This season, viewers were treated to a subplot that goes beyond the usual Hollywood sexploitation to something that matters to all of us -- affection. If Booth is a healthy straight male with a pulse, he would certainly feel a physical attraction to his strikingly beautiful partner. But the undercurrent of friendship growing to affection sometimes surfaces as what most people think of as "love". After a month of hype about the April 8th show, Fox struck down that notion. The episode had the pair taking FBI staff psychologist Lance Sweets to task for inaccuracies in his book.
As they recount to Sweets how their relationship actually began and progressed, some interesting realities came to light. Bones' concept of sexuality is devoid of emotion; it is at best a form of recreation and at worst just another biological function. Her concept of norms is amusing, though not uncommon for aspies -- if a rule makes sense to her, she will not deviate from it. Other than that, norms are irrational and adhered to more to avoid clashing with the "normal" people around her. But the most significant reality about this aspie/neurotypical relationship, like others in the real world, is revealed only to those who pay attention with their hearts.
As the episode drew to a close, Booth finally expresses his true affection for Bones. She turns away from his effort to take their relationship to a more emotionally intimate level. She points out that what he needs, she cannot provide. In the biggest letdown in TV history (only slightly exaggerating, given the hype leading up to this episode), they agree to remain friends. Seeley Booth's deep and abiding love is not returned. Aspies, after all are not easily given to emotional reciprocity... or are they?
As my eyes began to well up during the scene, it occurred to me that Bones' rebuff was an act of love in itself. She gave Booth what a long term relationship -- or marriage -- would deprive him of: the option to be emotionally fulfilled. We in the world of Neurotypy often find ourselves starving for affection that often isn't there. And when it is, it is not something our aspie partners can easily understand and express. I've said, "'I love you' is a convenient way to say, 'I feel loved by you and I appreciate that.'" No doubt, Booth, if a real person would have wanted to respond to Bones' honesty by telling her he loved her. She would have been puzzled.
I doubt the producers of "Bones" realize it, but they may have done those people in aspie/neurotypical relationships a huge favor. That last scene is one that must inevitably play out for such couples if they are to have an honest and fulfilling relationship. For me it was not so much a discovery as a reliving of a moment. It is the moment that has made accepting -- even treasuring -- my relationship with an aspie possible.
I mentioned that the similarities between Bones and my sweetheart begin and end with their distinctive aspie traits. There is another very important difference, for which I am eternally grateful: My wife is a believer. She understands what real love is -- the tough and sometimes challenging agape love Christians are called to. As she walks in the Spirit, she continues to love me even when I'm not all that loveable. The journey of discovery that comes with Asperger Syndrome and what it does to relationships is sometimes very painful for both partners. Unlike the mismatch between Bones and Booth made in Hollywood, ours is a mismatch made in Heaven.
In the twists and turns and forks in the road of our aspie/NT relationship, I've found my sweetie may not say, "I love you" as often as I need to hear it, but when she experiences that emotion so strongly she is compelled to share it with me, I know that in His strength I have truly loved her. Perhaps that is one of the benefits we enjoy. When the emphasis is on walking in God's love, "I love you" is not a casual filler on the order of "dude, you're way cool!"
